Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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