The maid of honor just puked.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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