His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
