he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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