The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
