You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize