i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
