when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When are your genitals available?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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