One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
