If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
