Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
