my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
