my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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