I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Did I show you my penis last night?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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