Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
