Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
