just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
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