so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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