Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
