whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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