remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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