I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
