Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I need a beard to bite.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
