god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
