Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I love you.
Bad choice
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
