wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
