This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
