Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
