i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
