My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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