You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
