Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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