I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
