i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
