i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
