When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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