it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
