I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
