if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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