worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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