My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
