Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize