I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Did I show you my penis last night?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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