you guys were way drunker than both of me
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
should my penis look like a turkey
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
