fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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