just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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