i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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