The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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