I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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