His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
