Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
