I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
