It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
