saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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