My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
