Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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