I seem to have left my pride at pride
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
