My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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