Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
