I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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