thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
