I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
