this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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