So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
